By Beth Lawrence
There are grief support groups in Jackson County, but not every support group is right for every survivor.
Each person grieves differently after losing someone. Sometimes grief is attached to circumstances and situations surrounding the loss.
Having a recovery group tailored to specific circumstances can be beneficial to those coping with loss, so a local group is organizing a relatively unheard of specialized grief support group.
Kathy DiDonato with Bill and Sherry Cabe are the co-founders of Help Sylva, a GRASP group, an organization focused on Grief Recovery After Substance Passing.
The first official meeting was held Tuesday at the Jackson County Public Library.
DiDonato and the Cabes have each lost a child to substance misuse.
DiDonato had known the Cabes for years but did not know they had a child suffering from addiction until she lost her son.
The Cabes began their crusade last year with a drug and overdose awareness event at Bridge Park shortly after DiDonato lost her son to an overdose.
“They wanted me to help, and I couldn’t at that time; I wasn’t ready,” she said. “It’s just really a hard process to go through.”
She linked up with the couple again later, and they all agreed that the county needed a recovery group unique to their circumstances.
DiDonato had seen a news story about a similar group in Waynesville. It was the first time she had encountered anyone locally she could relate to. She attended a virtual meeting and immediately felt a connection and felt understood.
“It was liberating to be able to know that I could talk about it, and they understand,” she said.
After the meeting, she realized how badly that was needed for Jackson County.
Help Sylva was born of that need.
The organization’s immediate goal is to support the surviving friends and family members of someone who has died as a result of drug use. The founders long-term wish is to provide information, educational opportunities, outreach and support to addicts, their families and the community.
Their main focus is to destigmatize addiction and help those on the outside of the issue understand what those struggling with addiction and their loved ones face and learn that addiction is a disease, not a choice.
“That’s what happens,” DiDonato said. “Nobody understands; we don’t talk about it. It really just burns us up inside.”
Interest in the organization has been promising. Help Sylva has fielded requests from counselors, HERE in Jackson County and others who want to contribute.
DiDonato believes it is important for survivors of someone who has died from drug-related causes to be surrounded by others in similar circumstances. Families dealing with addiction already face humiliation, judgment and isolation from the community and need to be surrounded by others in similar circumstances.
DiDonato’s son Devin Rathbone was 28 when he overdosed.
Devin battled addiction for a substantial portion of his short life. His mother admits that she doesn’t understand the depth of Devin’s addiction or which substances he misused. DiDonato is fairly certain her son’s problems began with a prescription for pain pills at approximately 17 years old.
“We fought, not only did he fight I fought along with him, for nine years with his drug addiction,” she said. “During that time, he was put in jail many times. He was put many times into facilities to get help. He ended up being homeless for a while because I couldn’t have him in my house the way that he was. It was extremely hard. The whole process is just unreal the stuff that you go through when you have a child or a loved one that is on drugs.”
Amid their struggle DiDonato and her son faced judgment and misunderstanding from both family and the community.
As a mother she felt condemnation because of her son’s drug use.
There was a perception that she had not been a good mother, DiDonato said.
That was a perception that she sometimes bought into, questioning where she went wrong or what she could have done differently.
The lack of understanding and compassion eventually caused DiDonato to withdraw and isolate herself from others.
That isolation in turn compounded her stress and sadness.
Loving someone with a substance use disorder leaves family feeling powerless. Addiction treatment experts agree that there is not much that can be done until the person realizes they need help.
DiDonato believes bystanders fail to understand that a person battling addiction cannot be forced into sobriety, they must want to achieve it for themselves, and even then the will to change on its own is not enough.
“After he was 18, I couldn’t sign him (up) to go somewhere anymore,” she said. “He was his own individual.”
On March 8, 2022, Devin died when he used methamphetamine laced with fentanyl.
His grandmother found him unresponsive in his bedroom. DiDonato rushed to the home and administered Narcan and CPR.
It was not the first time this mother had been required to administer Narcan to her son, but it would be the last.
EMS was able to restore Devin’s heartbeat. He was transported to Mission Hospital in Asheville where he was pronounced brain-dead and removed from life support on March 11.
His mother donated his organs hoping some good could come of the tragedy.
“It just destroys you,” she said. “I still have a hard time with it. As a mother, you don’t want to believe that your child is gone. The only way I remember that he is gone is by remembering him in the casket.”
In the aftermath, the self-imposed isolation from family and friends deepened DiDonato’s grief.
DiDonato wants people to know her son was a human being, was compassionate with a big heart and was “an all-around good person as long as he wasn’t using.”
She wants people, especially those in situations similar to hers, to know Help Sylva is there for them.
“We want Jackson County to know that we understand, and they are not alone,” DiDonato said. “They don’t have to be in silence anymore.”
The next meeting of Help Sylva is scheduled for June 1 at 6 p.m. at Jackson County Public Library.
To learn more or join the group, visit facebook.com/profile.php?id=100091911433595.
