Ruralite Cafe: Published 03/14/02

By Lisa Majors-Duff-News Editor

14th annual Comedy Classic lacks laughs

I guess my expectations were a little on the high side.

The 14th annual Comedy Classic - held this past weekend at Asheville's beautiful Grove Park Inn and hosted by John Boy and Billy of morning radio fame - lacked a lot in the chuckle category. I was expecting side-spliting humor. And why not. The night was billed as a "Comedy Classic," after all. Instead, what I listened to was zinger after zinger about ex-girlfriends from the two admitted bachelor comedians and the pains of married life from the one with the ball and chain back home.

If the show had been hooked up to an EKG machine, early readings would have been favorable. John Boy and Billy took the stage first and introduced a few friends. Loyal John Boy and Billy fans, I'm sure, would have recognized these guys. (Maybe "recognized" is not the right word here. We are talking about radio.)

Anyway, the skit they performed was pretty funny. One guy took the part of an unnamed U.S. senator on his way home late one night accompanied by an aide (Billy). The senator, who'd had too much to drink, stalled his car in what was said by the aide to be one of Washington, D.C.'s, less savory neighborhoods. But the senator, made invincible by booze, insisted on walking the eight blocks home.

Not long after taking to the street, the senator and his aide are accosted by a mugger (John Boy).

"Give me your money," the mugger yelled, waving an imaginary gun in their faces.

"You're making a terrible mistake," the elected official told the mugger. "I'm a U.S. senator." "In that case," the mugger said, "give me my money."

The EKG recorded good vital signs at this point. The guy who played the drunk senator was a riot. And John Boy hit the punch line perfectly. The patient was looking good, I thought.

Greg Ray, who was described in the program as the winner of "Showtime"'s search for the funniest person in America, was introduced first. The funniest part of Ray's act was his opening, during which he went down the list of people he wasn't.

"I'm not your blackjack dealer; I don't eat lollipops; I did not adopt a little, redheaded orphan; I did not appear in the 'King and I'; nor I did I have a part on 'Night Court'; and I can't get your floors sparkling clean," this man with a shiny bald head told those of us packed in the Grand Ball Room. O.K., that's cute, I thought as I clutched my Kleenex, preparing to wipe away tears of laughter. The tears came, all right. They came in sheets as I sat there and predicted line after line, joke after joke, punch line after... well, you get the idea. This guy stopped being funny 30 seconds into his act, and the EKG readings were beginning to cause some alarm.

After John Boy and Billy played "Trumpet TV Theme Song Trivia" with three audience members, the man George Carlin called "an ostrich on PCP" threw himself on stage. Flip Schultz, it appeared Friday night, is attempting to be one of those physical comedians, like John Ritter in "Three's Company" or Carrot Top in those ATT comercials. While the first guy stood behind the microphone and moved only his eyes once or twice, this Schultz character made sure his feet touched every inch of the stage at some point during his act.

But even that wasn't enough to save him, as his so-called humor actually flatlined the EKG machine by announcing smugly at one point that he was getting paid whether we laughed or not. Off with Schultz; on with Robert D. Raiford. Like a miracle-working emergency room physician, Raiford somehow managed to revive the cold, dead patient, formerly known as a "Comedy Classic." Reading from notes he'd just composed on a cocktail napkin in the bar, Mr. Raiford explained to the butt-numbed audience that hotel managers really do not mind if you steal their towels because of the free advertising they know they'll get at your next pool party. Then he sang "Dixie," something John Boy and Billy fans must truly enjoy because his rendition nearly brought the house down.

Friday night's headliner was Ritch Shydner, the evening's only married comedian. Glancing again at my program, I also learned that Shydner has been a regular headliner on both "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" and "Late Night with David Letterman," which both come on past my bedtime. Though Shydner's material was somewhat better than his predecessors' stuff, I and those around me had already signed all the papers and made the necessary arrangements to pull the plug on the Comedy Classic by the time he went on.

"It just wasn't as funny as last year," I heard someone say as we filed out of the room and made our way toward the valet desk in the lobby.

The 15th annual Comedy Classis has already been scheduled. Let me know if you laugh.

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