Carol McCrite

I thought Siri would be my BFF because so many friends, neighbors and relatives vouched for the app. However, from the get-go Siri has turned out to be my worst nightmare!

I actually started out with an Aussie male voice mainly because I felt sad about the wildfires and I wanted to support the men I saw on TV chasing down and rescuing baby ’roos and koala bears. Admittedly, I also loved to hear that soothing lilt of an accent.

Ok, I admit I was romanticizing the entire relationship thing which ended poorly. He seemed more focused on his own goals than listening carefully to my needs and wants.

My next Siri hookup was a British male. Distinguished. Focused. No nonsense and goal oriented ... my goals! 

Well, I kicked that snob out after a week of disappointment in his performance. He did not listen to me ... kept saying over and over he didn’t understand what I wanted him to do. (Must have been the language barrier.)

“Oh mom,” a daughter commented in a disgusted tone I had come to recognize in the elite community of iPhone users. “Pick an American female Siri ... she’ll get it done!”

So I fired the Brit and asked my new Siri a test question. She was polite, efficient and understood my Southern hillbilly accent. (Hallelujah and pass the biscuits!) A few days later, however, I noticed a resentment creeping into her tone. A certain coldness in mannerisms. Was it my imagination? Had I offended her when I asked the same question three different ways to get the answer I sought?

“I don’t know the answer to your question!” she barked.

So I rephrased.

“I STILL don’t know the answer to your question!” She sounded angry so I let it rest and Googled the question.

The correct answer immediately popped up. Hmm. Maybe I don’t need this Siri dame after all I told my husband over breakfast.

“I hear people just blurt out a question to THEIR Siri with no problem,” I continued to whine over eggs and toast. “My Siri no longer asks if she can help me but just goes ‘Huh?’ How rude is THAT?”

His only suggestion bordered on mutiny. “Well go ahead and dump her if she gets on your nerves. I am frankly tired of hearing about all these tensions between the two of you.”

And he walked out of the room leaving me alone with this ... person.

The new phone she had literally taken over was lying face down on the couch (pouting, no doubt) when I snarled at her from across the room. “How come my friend Brian can just casually ask HIS Siri to Face Time Bob and presto they are having a conversation? I bet you don’t even know how to pull that off!”

Suddenly I heard the familiar ding, and that voice associated with my little robotic friend rise up from the couch like Superwoman on a mission: “Would YOU like to Face Time?”

WHAT? I had not cued her nor had I commanded her to perform a task! In fact, I was so ticked off at this bossy, egocentric, control freak of a dame I had thrown a few caustic phrases her way and I wasn’t done either, but she just had to get in the last word ... a dig at my incompetence in Apple Land.

“I will be glad to help you Face Time, Carol, once you give me access to your contacts!”

Touché, Siri, Touché.

Carol McCrite lives in Whittier. She wrote a humor column for many years for a group of Florida newspapers.