Barbara Murray of Sylva, shown here with one of her paintings, uses art as a healing therapy, which helped her overcome the grief she felt when her brother, Gilbert Murray, was killed by Unabomber Ted Kaczynski. A former Hospice nurse, Murray has written and illustrated "Transition: A Guide Booklet for the End of Life," which she hopes will help others through the grieving process.
It's taken eight years - almost to the day, but Barbara Murray has finally ended the grieving process for her brother, Gilbert Murray, who was killed April 24, 1995, by Unabomber Ted Kaczynski. As a former Hospice nurse, Murray has written and illustrated "Transition: A Guide Booklet for the End of Life," which she hopes will help others in their grieving process. "I realize each death and the course that it follows is unique, but most have common developments, and I have focused on those," said the Sylva resident. In dying, the not-knowing can be scary, said Murray, who would like her booklet to make death a peaceful, rather than frightening, experience. Sometimes it is difficult to know what to say to the dying person, and that's why many people shy away from those who are dying. "They don't teach courses in this kind of thing; in fact, most people don't even like to mention the word 'death,'" she said. "It's comforting for a dying person to hear your voice and the concern in it. Say things to them like, 'I am sorry you are not feeling well' or 'You look very good today' or just admit you don't know what to say. "But don't ask them how they are doing because that makes them think. Ask questions that can be answered with a simple 'yes' or 'no.' And don't tell them you know how they are feeling because you don't." Just be there for them, Murray encourages, because "this is the time when relationships are most important. Nobody on their death bed ever said 'I wish I'd gotten that second degree' or 'I wished I'd spent more time on the job.' No. It all boils down to relationships." The personal grieving process will be much easier, she said, if, before the person dies, you can say these five things to them: Forgive me. I forgive you. Thank you. I love you. Good-bye. Murray's booklet describes stages in the dying process like restlessness, for instance. "Your loved one may make restless and repetitive motions such as pulling at bed lines or clothing. Such actions are due, in part, to the decrease in oxygen circulation to the brain and to metabolic changes. Do not interfere with or try to restrain such motions," she said. "Try to ease their restlessness," she said, "to promote a calming effect. Speak in a quiet voice, read to them or play soothing music." Rituals are comforting, according to Murray, who suggests lighting a candle to blow out at the same time each evening, singing a special song or sharing a tea ceremony. "Your loved one may seem unresponsive, withdrawn, or in a comatose-like state. This indicates preparation for release, a detaching from surroundings and relationships. It is the beginning of letting go," she said. "Sometimes the dying person will try to hold on, even though it brings prolonged discomfort, in order to be sure that those who are going to be left behind will be all right. Give your loved one permission to let go whenever he or she is ready,' Murray said. "Affirm their value to you and that you will carry forward the love received into your life. "There is a sadness with separation, with death; but love never dies," she said. According to Murray, the one question every dying person asks is "When?" "Nobody, not even the doctor, can tell them the exact moment, day or time they are going to die. It's a divine timetable," said Murray. However, there are some indications that the time is near, she points out in her booklet. "They may begin to have vision-like experiences. When somebody calls on the phone, or rings the doorbell, they already know who it is. "They may claim to see or have seen places not presently accessible or visible to you. This response does not indicate an hallucination or drug reaction. "Detachment from this life and preparation for the transition is beginning. Don't contradict, explain away, belittle or argue with what they tell you they see or hear." Physical signs include skin, especially on the hands, arms and legs, becoming increasingly cool to the touch and may feel clammy or damp. The underside of the body may become darker and the skin blotchy. This is an indication that the circulation of blood is decreasing to the body's extremities. A high fever may develop. They may lose control of both urine and bowel matter. Gurgling sounds may come from the chest, sounding as if marbles were rolling around inside. "These sounds happen when the fluid intake decreases and the person is unable to cough up normal secretions," Murray explained. "The best thing you can do is just try and positioning them for comfort." Understanding the sequences and knowing what is happening physically, as well as spiritually, can make death a peaceful transition, she said, using the quote "Death is like turning out the light beause the dawn has arrived." Death is a natural process, Murray said. What upsets her is when that natural process is stolen from someone, like her murdered brother. "I had such a rage with the Unabomber for killing my brother. It's taken me a long time, eight years, to get over that, but I had to learn it is better to light a single candle, than to rage against the darkness," she said. Copies of her booklet are $4.98, plus $1 shipping and handling, and are available by writing her at P.O. Box 1986 Sylva, N.C. 28779.
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