Victim of abuse speaks out

Editor's Note: The following is a first-person account of domestic violence, used here to highlight October as Relationship and Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

Because what I am going to tell you, even my family and the people at work don't know about me. I've been good about keeping it secret. Not so much to protect my husband, but to protect me.

You see me at Wal-Mart, at the grocery store, at my son's ball games, or eating lunch out with friends and you would never guess that as I smile at you and act like nothing is wrong, I am hurting... both inside and out. Outside from the swollen wrist, blackened by bruises, where my husband yanked my arm and threw me up against the wall, all in one swift, forceful move that happened so suddenly and unexpectedly that it took my breath away and broke a rib.

Now, even a week later, my back is still tender to the touch from being slammed against the wall... so tender that I still can't bare the straps from my bra to touch my back or shoulders. Luckily, it's chilly weather so bulky, long-sleeve sweaters cover the black and blue colors up and down my right arm.

Inside I hurt from the loss of dignity that comes from being a battered woman. It's deflating, crushing to your ego, when your husband constantly tells you that you are "worthless, good for nothing"; he repeats it so many times you even start to believe it yourself.

I might still be thinking that if it had not been for REACH.

I had shopped their thrift store - that's where I get most of my clothes and those for my son. So I kind of knew what they were about, but not until recently did I fully understand the extent of their services.

Most people, when they know a woman is being abused say right out, "Well, why doesn't she just leave him?"

That's easy to say, but not so easy to do. First off, no way could I go to my family. They would just say, "Told you he was no good." I can't bare that shame any more than the abuse.

And I sure can't afford a place on my own. He controls all our money. My salary alone wouldn't cut it.

Now here's what a lot of people don't understand. It's the threats, along with the fear that he might carry them out 'cause you see, he's told me repeatedly how he would kill me if I ever left him. And, over and over, he's said no way was I getting our son... and it's scary what he might mean by that. He doesn't just mean that I wouldn't get custody. He's talking crazy stuff like I would never see the two of them again - ever!

Last week something happened that changed my whole life. After I missed two days because of my broken rib and swollen wrist, a co-worker took me aside when I came back to work.

"Look, you can tell me it is none of my business and I will respect that, but I would like to tell you about some REACH services," she said. As she talked I knew she realized my absences were always due to physical abuse... no matter what excuse I gave.

She told me about the safe house, as well as the new housing at REACH Village. I couldn't believe it! There actually was a place someone in my condition could go... and take my son. I learned about restraining orders and that my son and I had a right to be protected. I learned that through REACH's Old Cars-New Beginnings I could work to get a car of my own.

I learned that I didn't have to be dependent on my husband; that I could be a whole person on my own... and that no matter how many times he told me, it is NOT my fault.

Do you realize what a relief that was? I think in the back of my mind that he had somehow convinced me that it was my fault... that I "deserved" the abuse. I learned that was a classic ploy of abusers.

Know what really helped? I learned I was not alone. Megan, my co-worker, told me how she had been an abused wife, too. She had "been there, done that." That's why she recognized my symptoms so well and had the courage (or "responsibility," she said) to talk to me.

I learned of other women in our same situation and that through REACH they help and counsel each other to go from being a "victim" to a "victor."

Thanks to REACH I am trying to get a handle on things and turn my life around. I don't think I would have been strong enough to do this on my own, without REACH's help.

You know how they say to be thankful for the small blessings? Being able to sleep peacefully through the night is my blessing. Now in our safe environment no longer do my son and I have to fear my husband coming home angry and jerking me out of bed, slapping me awake and slapping me around for whatever reason he thought - but I never knew. No longer do I spend the rest of the nights crying to myself, too upset, too hurt and too emotional to even think about going back to sleep.

Eventually I hope to be a "victor" and I would like to be able to give back to REACH since they helped me so much.

You might be able to help right now. REACH is conducting their annual fund-raising drive called Caring Neighbors. I hope you will be a caring neighbor and contribute what ever amount you can. I am an example of how some of those dollars are spent. Believe me, your contributions really do matter.

You can send checks to REACH at P.O. Box 1908 Sylva, N.C. 28779. If you need their services, please don't be afraid to call. They understand and they will help you. Just call 631-4488.

Back to Archive: 10/31/02.